Handling a narcissist can leave you confounded, irritated, angry, and drained. Be it a friend, family member, coworker, or even a neighborhood neighbor, the emotional impact is significant. Narcissism, which is characterized by self-centeredness and a lack of empathy, typically poses challenges for respectful interaction and healthy exchanges. These traits generally pose issues in reaching them, with others often being left drained emotionally.
The constant need for admiration, manipulation, and failure to actually get to know other people are typical narcissistic behaviors. These patterns of behavior, notes clinical psychologist Aimee Daramus, PsyD, and licensed mental health counselor Alana Carvalho, LMHC, may disrupt your ability to accurately perceive reality and your own mental well-being. It is crucial to recognize these patterns of behavior to be able to successfully manage them and protect your mental health.
This book outlines twelve common narcissistic behaviors, along with professional-suggested ways and words to respond to them. Each section gives you real-life tools to help you stay sane, maintain clear boundaries, and guard your emotional balance.
1. When They Attempt to Get Emotional Reactions and Manipulate You
Narcissists can often actively provoke emotional reactions as a way of exerting control. They might use deception, insults, or manipulative comments to unsettle you. The goal is to distract you, assert dominance, or draw life energy from your suffering.
Remaining calm shatters this tactic. By controlling your reactions, you deprive them of their satisfaction of influencing your emotions. Experts point out that their behavior is a consequence of their own insecurity and not yours. Finding their tantrums a reflection of conflicts within keeps you emotionally balanced and strong.
2. When They Display Overbearing Demands and Disregard Your Boundaries
Unrealistic standards be they about work, appearance, or life are common. Dr. Daramus recommends having clear, sustainable boundaries and writing them down. Having these boundaries resolved beforehand empowers you to respond assertively when they try to move the boundaries.
Straight-forward statements such as “I’m not comfortable with that” or “I have the right to say no” communicate effectively without opening yourself up for unnecessary argument.
3. When They Gaslight and Distort Reality
Gaslighting attacks your faith in your own perception and memory. Narcissists can deny things they have said, distort your words, or create fictional situations to disorient you. It can break down your trust in yourself over time.
Recording conversations in writing or by e-mail creates a fact reference that compels them to back down from their lies. Phrases like “I recall it differently” or “That is your version, not mine” set your truth without getting drawn into infinite loops. Where appropriate, using third-party verification “Some folks overheard you say [quote statement], and it made me feel [state feeling]” brings credibility.
4. When They Make Decisions for You Without Consultation
Some narcissists dominate others, making decisions without asking. This is one sign of their belief that their thoughts are better. Complying with such grudgingly may be confused with agreement.
Challenging such assists in re-establishing your ownership of yourself. Carvalho suggests employing “That doesn’t work for me” or “I’m entitled to my feelings and opinions” to resist without complicated excuses.
5. When They Attempt to Devalue You and Make You Feel Inferior
They can make you feel inferior by comparing you to others unfairly, making rude comments, or giving you backhanded compliments. This might lead to self-doubt and subservience to their views.
The key is to recognize that these remarks are an expression of their own insecurity. To say “I don’t see myself that way” or “I appreciate your opinion, but I like me” defies their attempts to redefine you and stands up for yourself.
6. When They Always Refuse to Listen or Hear Your Point of View
A lack of empathy tends to produce condescending or one-sided conversation. They can talk over you, interrupt, or ignore your perspective altogether.
Having limits in place early on can help. Carvalho recommends saying: “I will only talk with you about this if you can listen and try to hear me out.” If not, exiting the conversation is a helpful way to save your energy.
7. When They Dismiss Your Emotions or Demand to Be Right
Narcissists will label your emotions as irrational or attempt to invalidate them, typically as a means of maintaining their superiority. Going back and forth discussing who is “right” is not generally an effective outcome.
Instead, validate your emotional reality by employing statements like “I can see that you feel that way, but I feel differently about it.” This allows for differing opinion without giving up your own.
8. When They Ask for Explanations of Your Boundaries
After a boundary is set, a narcissist will demand detailed explanations in order to attempt to find fault with your reasoning. This will often lead to manipulation or attempts to reverse your decision.
Boundaries don’t require permission to be. A simple response “I’m not going to explain why it matters to me but it does” stops them from looping your explanation back at you and establishes your autonomy.
9. When They Bring Up Inappropriate or Unwanted Subjects
They may start discussing subjects that are inappropriate or sensitive, raise issues you’ve long forgotten, or lead conversations in directions that make you uncomfortable. Failing to notice your body language is one way of testing limits or asserting control.
You are entitled to dictate the parameters of conversation. Assertive statements such as “I don’t want to discuss that” or “Let’s change the subject” establish a firm boundary in a conversation.
10. When They Use Abusive or Poisonous Language
Screaming, put-downs, or patronizing comments tend to intimidate. Gradually, this destroys self-esteem and builds up emotional exhaustion.
Setting a non-negotiable boundary for respectful exchange is necessary. Carvalho recommends: “If you keep talking to me in that tone, I will leave.” This places the responsibility for the continuation of the conversation back on them and signals you will be firm on your boundaries.
11. When Disengagement Is Necessary to Save Your Well-being
There are those conversations that become futile cycles of manipulation or aggression. Engagement in such discussions depletes energy and can lead to chronic stress.
Recognizing when to end a conversation is a form of self-preservation. Clear statements like “I’m going to step away from this conversation” or “This conversation is over” assert your decision and close the interaction on your terms.
12. Remembering It’s Not Your Fault and Seeking Professional Support
Narcissistic manipulations may cause you to doubt yourself or overly take responsibility for their behaviors. Recall, says Dr. Daramus, that their actions are a reflection of their issues, not of your value.
Reminding themselves how an average person would behave keeps things in perspective. Talking to friends, family, or mental health professionals is a good way to check their feelings and learn helpful coping skills. If behavior moves into abuse, professional help is necessary.
Final Perspective
It’s challenging to work with narcissistic behavior, but understanding the patterns enables you to react in a supportive manner. It is not changing the narcissist, which may be beyond your control, but managing your reactions, staying in your boundaries, and taking care of your emotional health. You can hold on to control of your interactions and avoid having them control your well-being with planning, assertiveness, and self-protection.
