The debate as to whether it’s ever appropriate to request a partner to lose weight for you fueled an online firestorm, courtesy of an anonymous post featured on Humans of New York. The raw truthiness of the question “Is there any right way to ask someone to lose weight for you? stopped many in their tracks, eliciting a visceral, massed “No” from thousands of readers. The web did not blink, delivering a frank message: asking your partner to alter their body to fit your needs is a line best not crossed.
But this paradox gives rise to a universal debate about love, attraction, and the thin line between being a supporter of a partner’s well-being and imposing your desires on them.”.
The writer of the post communicated his distress with a candor that was at once vulnerable but also problematic. He admitted that he fought with his feelings, initially believing he could overlook his partner’s weight because “everything else about her was exactly what I wanted.” But at 18 months, he reported, “I feel horrible, but I just can’t get past it.” His struggle was not just about appearance it was a clash between his love for her and his inability to overcome his physical lack of attraction.
The internet response was instant and sharp, with over 9,000 postings that ranged from anger to sympathy to stern warning. The general consensus was that his feelings, as human as they were, didn’t justify asking her to change. One of the commenters, for instance, instructed, “Break up with her now.”. She deserves someone who loves all of her, and you have to be with someone your type.” One was blunt: “The easiest weight she can lose is to drop your sorry dead weight ass.” These answers touch on a greater reality: love must embrace the whole person, not choose and discard characteristics that align with personal ideals.
The criticism wasn’t really of his question it was of the underlying implication that her worth was in the way she appeared. This is a tough question: Is it ever acceptable to want your partner to change their body for you? The answer isn’t simply yes or no, but is emphatically towards no, especially where the reason is personal preference rather than caring. The internet debate reflected a variety of sentiments, ranging from unreserved condemnation to a few sentiments supporting the candor of the man. One of his proponents noted, “He’s grappling with the reality he’s not sexually attracted to someone he really cares about.”.
He’s not a monster he’s just torn. This battle between love and desire is something we all experience as human beings, but the way that we deal with it reveals a lot about our own moral compass.
1. The Psychology of the Ask: Self-Reflection or Selfishness?
Considering the psychology of these asks, experts like Paul Hokemeyer, Ph.D., a relationship psychotherapist, offer keen insights. Hokemeyer feels men who ask their girlfriends to lose weight are primarily addressing their own insecurities. “These guys have narcissistic personalities and need constant outside validation in order to convince the world they’re special,” he explains.
This observation shifts the attention from your partner’s body to the inner struggle of the requester, suggesting that the desire for change is not necessarily about her as much as it is about him wanting to feel better about himself. This realization should be a wake-up call to anyone who is in the mood to make this kind of request. If your partner’s appearance is a deal-breaker, ask yourself why. Is it all about them, or about your own anxieties of being “less than” others’ perception? Hokemeyer’s critique hints at a deeper issue: a need for external validation that no diet will ever satiate. Self-worth comes from within, not from crafting a mate into an idealized picture.
This introspection is the answer to creating healthier relationships and self-enrichment. It is the distinction between aesthetics and health that matters. Hokemeyer suggests that it is one thing to want a mate to have a better quality of life if your wanting has come from empathy and not control. “The first is based on empathy for your mate. You want them to have a better life experience,” he continues. Telling someone they must lose weight because you desire it for yourself is founded upon narcissism. This difference serves to underscore motive: are you making your partner better or are you doing it to elevate yourself?
Self-reflection is important for those struggling with the same emotions. Ask yourself these questions to define your motives:
- Why is this significant to me? Is your well-being or mine at stake?
- Am I projecting my insecurities onto them? Are you attempting to prove yourself through your partner’s appearance?
- Can I just love them as they are? If not, should we continue the relationship?
- How would I feel if they made me change? Empathy can reveal the impact of such demands.
2. Health vs. Aesthetics: Where’s the Line?
When it comes to weight, the distinction between health and beauty is frequently muddled, but it’s essential to make the difference. A sincere interest in a partner’s health stems from concern for their general well-being consider longevity, energy levels, and quality of life.
And as Hokemeyer goes on to add, “Wishing your partner would change their lifestyle is valid if it’s grounded in a desire for their physical and emotional health.” How this approach works is that it targets universal desires, like avoiding sickness or creating mutual energy, rather than superficial expectations.
Beauty-based requests, however, are a different creature. They care more about what a partner looks like as opposed to how they feel, and typically at the cost of their emotional and psychological health. Hokemeyer warns that such demands are “based on a narcissistic need to feel better about yourself.” If it’s a matter of having a partner who you look good with, then you’re prioritizing your ego over their dignity. This mindset can erode trust and closeness, leaving both partners feeling unvalued and isolated.
Healthy discussions have a sensitive, team-based approach. Hokemeyer suggests walking a partner through transition without judgment. “Change is difficult,” he states. “Don’t hold them accountable on failures and walk alongside them as a teammate, not an advisor.” That means modeling healthy behavior yourself cooking healthy meals together, going for walks, or joining a new sport as a team. By being interested in collective well-being, you create an environment where change is empowering, not punitive.
- Try these methods for an approach that’s health-focused:
- Lead by example: Establish healthy routines for yourself to inspire, not instruct, change
- Frame it positively: Consider gaining energy or being stronger, not losing weigh
- Be patient: Change is a process, and setbacks will happen. Show support, not criticism.
- Listen first: Ask your partner how they’re feeling about their health and what they’d like to do.
3. The Emotional Impact:
When Weight Remarks Hurt For the recipient of the fat remarks, the emotional damage can be overwhelming. Consider pouring your heart into a relationship and then being informed that your body is not “good enough.” It’s a gut punch that has the power to shake your self-confidence and cause you to question your worth.
The woman in this story was faced with the reality that her boyfriend’s endless concern about her being overweight, and his suggestion that chubby wives equal cheating, wasn’t just hurtful it was manipulative and damaging. Such comments don’t only cause pain; they chip away at your confidence gradually. Being aware of these feelings hurt, anger, or insecurity is the beginning of regaining control. As clinical psychologist Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD, suggests, it’s crucial to own your feelings and have your partner understand how such comments affect you. By explaining to your partner, “When you make these remarks, it makes me feel unappreciated,” you open the door for honest dialogue.
If they dismiss your feelings, that is disrespect on their part.
Boundary setting is non-negotiable. A dating coach’s honest response to the same question “Unless you are her medical provider, you don’t” is a stern reminder that your body belongs to you. You don’t need to modify in an attempt to meet someone else’s standards. Because as the coach wisely noted, “She has a mirror. She knows what she looks like.” You know your body, and you should have a man who sees past your body to the incredible woman you are.
This is how you deal with these interactions:
- Don’t remain quiet: If you get injured by what they have to say, tell them.
- Describe your emotions: Directly inform them about the impact of their words on you without accusing them.
- Establish boundaries: Let them know that comments on weight are a no-go zone unless they are about shared health goals.
- Test their response: Do they listen and change, or do they harden their stance further? What they respond with shows their level of respect for you.
- Put your worth first: Cling to the reality that you are unconditionally worthy of love.
4. Red Flags and Real Love: Knowing When to Walk Away
The story of the young woman serves as a bitter reminder that love should never feel like a checklist. Her boyfriend’s fixation on her weight, even after she let him know how much it was damaging her, is an indicator of more complicated issues: of not having unconditional acceptance. His commentary regarding how obese women cause infidelity is not only tactless but also a blame-shifting manipulative act that destroys trust. These are not warning signs; they’re sirens indicating potential emotional abuse.
True love does not rely on how things look. Physiques change through time, stress, illness, or the ups and downs of life. A person who can’t accept you as you are today is not likely to handle those changes gracefully. As one commenter sagely suggested, “If you care about her looks, then you should just remain single.” Love that requires changing oneself to meet an ideal isn’t love it’s manipulation.
Deciding to stay or leave takes brutal honesty. Ask yourself: Am I going to be okay with this individual, the way they are, understanding their actions could never be altered? If you have to say no, then it is time to consider moving on. Singleness isn’t a failure; it’s a chance to find yourself again and wait for someone who loves all of you. Sedating in for second-best love is years of misery and self-doubt.
Questions to guide your decision:
- Do they love me more than I look? If their love hinges on your appearance, it’s over.
- Are they willing to change the way they behave? If they mock your feelings, that’s a sign of greater disrespect.
- Can I live with this dynamic forever? Picture 30 years of these comments—can you live with that?
- What am I deserving of? You are deserving of a lover who loves you for your heart, mind, and spirit, not just your body.
5. Creating a Healthier Future Together
If beauty, not physical appearance, is the true concern, there’s a way to approach it that will strengthen instead of weaken a relationship. The answer is to do it together, not to overpower. Instead of finger-pointing, pull your partner into a shared journey of well-being. This can be trying new recipes, taking a fun exercise class, or setting shared milestones like running a 5K. What should be prioritized is the positive feeling that comes from being together, not meeting some random benchmark.
Eric Martinez, a clinical performance specialist, explains that stress can result in weight gain, typically due to “burnout syndrome.” The understanding partner would want to know about such factors, perhaps even proposing stress-management activities like meditation or yoga as a couple. This is showing care for your partner’s entire being, not his or her appearance. It’s about sharing life together, not fixing an envisioned flaw.
Communication is everything. Phrase the conversation in “we” sentences: “I’ve seen that we’ve both been just so stressed perhaps we could try something new to feel healthier?” This cooperation language promotes collaboration and discourages blaming. As Hokemeyer advises, be a partner, not a coach. You’re there to help, not command, their choices.
Practical steps for a health-focused partnership:
- Find together: To try new activities like hiking or cooking classes and find health enjoyable.
- Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge progress, no matter how small, to keep motivated.
- Be kind and patient: Change is a slow process, and there will be failures along the way.
- Don’t care about outcome, but bliss: Select activities that make you both happy, not just physical results.
6. The Heart of the Matter: Unconditional Love
Fundamentally, this argument is based on what love is. Authentic love sees beyond appearance, loving a person’s character, spirit, and soul. The young woman’s boyfriend saw past this, being concerned with how she weighs and not her maturity, spirituality, and depth. His inability to guarantee her that he loves her for what she is, and not for how she looks, reveals a shallow beginning that no marriage can sustain.
Love is not about molding someone into your idea; it is about accepting them for the way they are and helping them grow. As the dating coach noted, “We accept people as they are. And assume that the way they are now is the way they will remain.” Entering into a relationship with the ulterior motive to change sets everyone up for disappointment. Real partnership thrives on respect and unconditional acceptance.
For those of you in the same boat, the path forward is easy: place your value first. You are not a number on a scale, and your worth is not dependent on whether you fill someone else’s quota. If that is something that person cannot get over, they are not the one for you. Difficult as it may be, moving past the conditional love is what enables you to meet someone who loves you for you.
Lastly, the question is not if you are heavy enough it’s if we will request the love that we are worth. You are worthy of a lover who delights in your entire being, not one who loves you only for your body. Wait for that love, for anything less than that is not worth your heart.
Empowering Yourself: Reclaiming Your Worth When confronted with remarks about your weight, the emotional blow can be so overwhelming, but it’s also a chance to take back your power. The first step in healing is acknowledging your feelings hurt, anger, or self-doubt. These feelings are real, and they indicate that your boundaries have been violated. According to Carolyn Rubenstein, PhD, validating your feelings and verbalizing them to your partner is important.
Stating, “Your comments on my weight make me feel underappreciated,” may begin a conversation either to support your relationship or reveal its vulnerabilities. Beyond establishing boundaries of not accepting vicious comments, it’s asserting your inherent worth. The dating coach’s blunt advice “Unless you are her medical provider, you don’t” is that your body is yours. You don’t need to conform to someone else’s vision of who you are. As she so beautifully said, “She has a mirror.
She knows what she looks like.” You know your body, and you should have a lover who loves your heart, mind, and spirit most.
Empowerment is feeling that you’re enough, and just as you are. This means surrounded by people who will uplift you, not tear you down. When your partner sets your feelings aside or demands their own expectations, it’s a red flag that they may not be capable of offering the unconditional love you deserve. Do the following in taking back your confidence:
- Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself each day of your strengths and unique qualities.
- Find supportive communities: Connect with friends or groups that care for you as you are.
- Consider your values: What matters most to you in a relationship? Let that inform you.
- Consider professional support: A therapist is a supporter who can guide you through bouts of self-doubt and build resilience.
Leaving a relationship that drains you is hard. It’s not giving up; it’s choosing yourself. Being alone is not something to be shamed for it’s a space to recall your strength and wait for love that loves all of you. You are not a decimal on a scale, and your worth is not on the table.
7. Moving Forward: Selecting Love That Builds You Up
Navigating a relationship in which weight becomes a central issue is a test of self-knowledge and respect for one another. If your love feels conditional, it’s a signal to hit pause and think. True love doesn’t require change to accommodate an ideal; it encourages growth while accepting the here and now.
The young woman’s story is a cautionary tale: the boyfriend’s preoccupation with her weight, coupled with emotional blackmail regarding infidelity, is a red flag that cannot be mended by love.
Deciding to break up means prioritizing your own happiness and well-being. That may mean having uncomfortable discussions, setting strict boundaries, or, in some cases, breaking up. As the dating coach advised, “If your interest in her is on the condition of her weight, please break up. For both of your sakes.” This isn’t just about protecting your partner it’s about protecting yourself from a relationship that erodes your self-esteem.
Building a future with someone who will love you for you is to first of all love yourself. This is where you know you are more than your appearance. It’s having someone who you share life with through its ups and downs, not someone who needs you to be their dream. Steps below will guide you into becoming
more intimate with a better relationship pattern:
- Speak freely: Let your needs and expectations be known, and expect the same.
- Seek mutual development: Find somebody who brings out the best in you, not someone who tries to send you there.
- Accept your path: Be realistic that bodies change, and true love adapts to the metamorphosis.
- Listen to your gut: If something feels off, don’t dismiss it. Your instincts are most likely your best guide.
Ultimately, the goal is a love that lifts you up, not one that weighs you down. Single or married, hold on to the knowledge that you are enough. Your partner will see that, accept it, and walk with you not ahead of you, telling you to follow.
8. The Bigger Picture: Societal Pressures and Personal Expectations
The conversation of weight within relationships isn’t had in a vacuum it is influenced by cultural pressure that bombards us with idealized images of beauty. From magazine covers to Facebook, we’re hit with unrealistic ideals that can seep into our relationships, impacting the way we see ourselves and our partners. The anonymous man’s predicament is an extrapolation of this broader cultural mandate, in which appearance has a tendency to dominate internal qualities.
These cultural expectations get perpetuated in a vicious cycle of comparison and unhappiness. In the case of the young woman in the story, her boyfriend’s obsession with her weight likely originates from such outside pressures, fueled by his own inadequacies. It is not all about him it is about a culture that measures thinness as a sign of worthiness, making others feel less than. Escaping this cycle involves actively rejecting such standards and appreciating others for their personality, niceness, and realness.
Partnering can be a powerful ally against such pressures by establishing a relationship based on acceptance. Instead of reiterating the standards of society, couples can establish a refuge where each is loved for who they are, not how they measure up compared to external expectations. This means honest discussion about how these pressures work on both of you and a commitment to prioritize each other’s welfare over surface standards.
Here’s how to fight societal pressures within your relationship:
- Challenge media influences: Talk about how media constructs ideas of what is attractive and commit to emphasizing actual, deeper traits.
- Celebrate individuality: Emphasize what makes your partner unique beyond physical appearance.
- Educate yourself: Familiarize yourself with body positivity and how societal standards affect mental well-being.
- Support each other’s growth: Promote personal aspirations aligned with your partner’s values, rather than societal expectations.
9. Healing and Growing: A Path Beyond the Scale
Healing from the hurt of weight-related comments is a journey that requires self-love and mindful growth. It’s not just about ending the instant pain but about building a stronger sense of self that can withstand outside criticism. For the young woman, healing is about recognizing that her boyfriend’s comments are a reflection of his own shortcomings, not hers. This is empowering, allowing her to reclaim her story and focus on her own growth.
Personal growth here is an issue of getting back to what’s truly most important to you. It’s an issue of being first, head, heart, and body, before anybody else’s needs. That might be doing things that make you feel strong and empowered, like dance lessons, writing in a journal, or therapy. It’s a question of being surrounded by people who encourage you and give you the love that you deserve, so that you may regain anything lost in terms of confidence.
Relationships can also be a source of mutual healing and growth if you’re willing and cautious in your approach. When both are eager to learn and encourage the other, they are able to work through challenges like weight or health concerns together. It requires vulnerability sharing fears, insecurities, and hopes and the desire to become a better unit. A loving partner will be your copilot on this journey, not sitting on the sidelines critiquing.
Steps to foster healing and growth:
- Take care of yourself: Find activities that fill your body and soul, from exercising to creative expression.
- Build a support system: Be around people who affirm you and help you use positive self-talk.
- Set personal goals: Make what brings you a sense of completion a priority, not what others desire for you.
Seek shared development: In a relationship, co-create an environment that encourages both of your well-being. Last but not least, life off the scale is about loving all of you. It’s about recognizing that you are bigger than your body, and your value lies in your heart, your interests, and your one spirit. Single or coupled, it is a path to a life where love of self and others is rooted in truth and acceptance without reservation.
