For generations, the evolution of a committed romantic relationship also tended to follow a standard pattern: dating, commitment, and finally, living together. This conventional path, far better ingrained in social expectations, was that after a couple was as intimate as perhaps about the two- or three-year point living together became the natural next step. It entailed dividing bills, shared parenting of pets, and taking on common routines, representing what for many was the very definition of partnership.
However, this formerly inevitable milestone is becoming increasingly less so. There is a big change happening, with around 38% of people between 25 and 54 now deciding to skip cohabitation. This trend shows a redefinition of the way that contemporary couples organize their intimate lives, undermining traditional assumptions concerning what a committed relationship “ought” to be like. It initiates a discussion concerning the different needs and preferences that partnerships need to meet in an ever more complicated world.
At the center of this revolution is the trend called Living Apart Together, or LAT. This configuration, where couples maintain separate homes and are highly committed to each other, is finding increasing acceptance among diverse groups. For older people with long-standing lives, for younger couples facing demanding careers or complicated family obligations, LAT is a seductive alternative to traditional cohabitation. It’s a conscious decision that mirrors a societal trend toward increased personal freedom in the context of an affectionate relationship, and thus deserving closer examination of the complex reasons for its popularity.
1. Individual Needs and Happiness
One of the strongest evidence for LAT’s popularity is the case of couples such as Lois and Gordon Peacock. After 58 years of marriage, they started spending portions of each week apart she in San Francisco, he in Penngrove not after a big discussion, but as a natural development of their individual needs. Gordon, after retiring from his OB/GYN practice in 2000, wanted to live full-time in Penngrove, their rural vacation home reflective of his rural North Carolina upbringing.
Lois, on the other hand, had strong roots in San Francisco based on years of church and friendship. At 86, she was not ready to relinquish them. To spend a few days apart and then return for extended weekends permitted Gordon to live his peaceful country existence and Lois to maintain her city relationships.
This interdependence of independence and unity is replicated within the LAT community. As described by Lise Stoessel, author of Living Happily Ever After Separately, “In choosing to live apart, my husband and I are really choosing to honor our individuality and each other’s personal growth.” For these couples, distance is not the aim but rather having space for individual fulfillment that ultimately makes the relationship stronger.
2. The Pursuit of Independence and Space
Autonomy on the part of individuals is a prime concern in most LAT relationships. Therapist Becca Reed characterizes LAT as an intentional choice where individuals stay committed but opt for different residences so that they can maintain autonomy while fostering closeness.
For others, this decision is about maintaining one’s own routines, living space, and say over personal space. It might be as mundane as decorating without giving in or having precisely what enters the house. This power to create one’s environment without constant negotiation can feel vital to happiness.
In such situations, LAT is not a fear of commitment but safeguarding individual selfhood while reaping the rewards of partnership.
3. Reviving Passion and Preventing Triviality
LAT can assist couples in keeping their romance alive by preventing the triviality that often results from constant closeness. Relationship coach Suzannah Weiss suggests that constant closeness can lower excitement, with partners feeling “almost like family” instead of romantic partners.
By living separate, couples create in advance and purposeful time with one another, be it scheduled dates or weekend getaways. Weiss even suggests short-term separation for couples living together who are having trouble with passion.
This conscious distance makes each reunion special and causes relationships to retain the spark in the long run.
4. Catering to Individual Personalities and Ways of Life
LAT is suitable for partners who have strong preferences, idiosyncrasies, or logistical issues. A long commute, busy schedules that conflict with each other, or incompatible living needs like one being allergic to the other’s pet can all be mitigated by having separate homes.
For neurodiverse individuals requiring strict regimens or specific sensory settings, LAT can decrease daily stress. It also accommodates individuals who sleep poorly when sharing a bed or have specific expectations of order and cleanliness.
Instead of imposing compromise that fosters tension, LAT allows each partner to remain comfortable while still sharing the relationship.
5. Blended Families Made Simple
For parents with children from previous relationships, LAT can avoid the difficulties of combining families. Conflict over parenting approaches, custody agreements, and children’s bond to their own homes may prevent complete integration.
Parents may prefer keeping kids in the same schools, close to acquaintances, or near extended family. LAT enables them to do so while continuing to develop their romantic relationships.
Others, such as Louise, enjoy spending time with the partner’s children during visits but welcome the freedom to return to a more peaceful home life when desired.
6. Reinventing Gender Roles and Autonomy for Women
Women tend to pioneer the use of LAT, particularly those having had uneven shares of household labour in previous relationships. For them, it’s an escape from falling back into the caretaker role by default.
Some enjoy friendships and companionship without ongoing mutual obligation. Research indicates older women in general are more likely to live alone than sacrifice independence.
For Mary Chase, who shares a home with friends but has her long-term partner living elsewhere, LAT provides “the best of both worlds” closeness without sacrificing independence.
7. Transcending Societal Stigma and Misconceptions
Even with growth, LAT continues to experience societal misunderstanding. Individuals will sometimes prejudge couples who live apart as being less committed, wondering when they’ll “finally” be living together.
Movie director Sharon Hyman, in a 23-year LAT relationship, dispels such assumptions by referencing the legal and emotional commitments she has with her partner. The problem, she says, is not the arrangement but the stigma associated with it.
As the word spreads, making LAT the norm can make couples feel more accepted and comfortable in their decision.
8. Overcoming Communication and Intimacy Issues
Living apart necessitates more intentional communication and planning. Since spontaneous day-to-day interactions are avoided, partners have to deliberately plan for time together.
There is also the temptation of dodging fight by resorting to dual residences. Reed advises establishing clear guidelines for how to resolve conflicts so that issues don’t become chronic.
Regular rituals calls, text messages, and scheduled visits help to sustain emotional intimacy despite the distance.
9. Tackling Financial Realities and Compromises
LAT may be more costly than cohabitation, but many couples were already living separately prior to their relationship. To them, the financial cost is the same.
Money planners recommend considering both emotional and financial costs. At times, the individual cost of relocating losing social ties or personal space overshadows any financial gain.
For others, necessity dictates distance, for example, employment in separate cities or visa restrictions.
10. The Role of Family and Childhood
Family background is usually a determinant of LAT decisions. Some individuals are deeply committed to their family homes, which makes a relocation for a partner challenging.
Religious or cultural values may also deter living together prior to marriage. In these circumstances, LAT is an accommodation enabling the relationship to proceed without offending values.
These decisions indicate that relationship configurations tend to react to outside forces as much as individual taste.
11. Spiritual Views and Cultural Expectations
Spiritual beliefs are a determining factor for some couples, especially where premarital cohabitation is not encouraged.
For them, LAT is a means of obeying faith-based principles while still keeping their relationship. The setup becomes a declaration of commitment to one another and to values.
Here, living apart is frequently transitional, until marriage.
12. Recovery from Previous Trauma and Preserving Vulnerability
For others, LAT is a protection after painful or traumatic experiences in previous relationships. This may be financial loss, emotional damage, or abuse.
Living apart enables these individuals to establish boundaries and a perception of safety and yet still desire closeness.
By giving them space, LAT preserves vulnerability while not abandoning hope for love and partnership.
The increasing popularity of Living Apart Together mirrors the changing face of contemporary relationships. Motivated by autonomy, practicality, flexibility, or self-preservation, it demonstrates that profound commitment does not have to involve a common address. As increasingly more individuals seek out relationship configurations that fit their lives, LAT is a legitimate and prominently recognized option.
