Gaslighting, Merriam-Webster’s 2022 Word of the Year, has spread since people discovered its poisonous impact, with searches upping by 1740% in 2022. Named after the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband tricks his wife into doubting her own sanity, this psychological manipulation makes you question your reality.
This guide explains 14 common gaslighting phrases, so you can identify them and take back your confidence. No matter what personal or professional relationship, it is essential to know these tactics in order to safeguard your mental health. Let us learn about these phrases and break free from their hold.
Each sentence is a gaslighter’s tool for eroding your belief in yourself, but when you are aware of them, you can flip the script. From invalidating your emotions to reshaping the past, these tactics induce doubt and overdependence.
With sensible tips, you’ll be able to detect gaslighting and take measures to restore your sense of self.
1. “You’re Just Too Sensitive
This sentence minimizes your valid feelings, suggesting your reactions are over-the-top. Gaslighters use it to deflect blame for their behavior onto your perceived weakness, and you find yourself doubting your feelings. It’s a sneaky way of dismissing your fears so that you don’t know if you should express your opinions. You will end up feeling silly for reacting to real hurts. This tactic strengthens their control by undermining your emotional barometer.
Hearing “You’re too sensitive” over and over can erode your self-worth, making you question your entitlement to be hurt. For example, when you complain about something hurtful, they may claim you’re being over-sensitive and not taking responsibility. This makes you apologize for feeling, giving power to them. Being aware that this is manipulation gives you power to believe your feelings. Putting your reaction down on paper can help you distinguish between what’s real and what isn’t.
- Put into words how you feel to legitimate your emotional experience.
- Find a trusted friend with whom you can validate your perception.
- Remind yourself that your reactions are normal and need to be accorded respect.
2. “That’s Not What You Said”
Gaslighters say these words to reverse your words and challenge your memory of your conversation. By altering what you’ve said, they plant doubt and undermine your confidence. It causes you to doubt your memory, especially during the worst arguments. It is designed to have you believe their version. Over time, this erodes your trust in your own brain.
The constant questioning to your memory can lead to your doubting all the interactions. You will most probably replay interactions, wondering whether you made a mistake. That is exactly what they aim to do to get you confused and dependent. A gaslighter can also falsely deny a promise that has been made, creating confusion. Keeping records of the interaction can assist you in keeping your feet on the ground.
This manipulation enjoys making you believe that you are not reliable. By putting on paper key conversations, you can check your recollection and counter their spin. Telling it to a third party who is a friend can also prove useful, affirming the truthfulness of your memory. Trusting yourself is the way to end the cycle.
3. “You’re Imagining Things”
This sentence disqualifies your observations, making you seem irrational or paranoid. Gaslighters use it to avoid accountability and cause you to question what you see or feel. It puts them in the position of logical authority and dismantles your intuition. This tool can cause you to be hesitant to object, afraid that you’re losing your mind. It’s a great way to keep you under their control.
Letting you know that you’re “seeing things” shatters your confidence in your own senses. If you comment on a broken promise, for instance, they will tell you that it never happened, and you’ll be left perplexed. This can lead to self-doubt and isolation because you’ll be reluctant to speak up. Recognizing this as a control tactic gives you the power to reclaim your reality. Your instincts are generally better than their lies.
- Document incidents to verify what you’ve seen.
- Trust your gut when something feels off, despite their dismissal.
- Seek external validation from trusted confidants to anchor your reality.
4. “I’m the One Who’s Really Hurting”
By announcing they’re the real victim, gaslighters shift the focus from what they’ve done to how they claim to feel. This tactic minimizes your feelings and makes you feel guilty for going to authorities. It’s a subtle way of defending themselves and putting their emotions at your expense. You might not want to go against them because you’re afraid of hurting them. This trick makes you prioritize their needs, not yours.
This is a guilt trap, that puts you in a position of being selfish for releasing your hurt. An example is, if you confront someone on a cruel comment, they’ll tell you that you’re hurting them by being hurt. This flips the script, so you’re questioning your entitlement to be hurt. Keep to the line of what happened to you, and you’ll fend this off. Your feelings are on par with anyone’s.
Understanding this as a distraction is what helps you to keep your feelings prior. A therapist will help you fight against the victimhood narrative, remembering that your pain does matter. Setting boundaries, like not being pulled into guilt-filled battles, can take away their power. Believing in your perspective is key to breaking free.
5. “You Made Me React This Way”
This blame-shifting sentence makes you take on the responsibility for their emotions, like being angry or aggressive. By making you think that you were responsible for their reaction, they don’t take responsibility and blame you instead. This move hides responsibility, and you start questioning whether you’re the one who’s in the wrong. It keeps you walking around on eggshells with them, afraid of triggering them. This erodes your self-esteem and confidence gradually.
Hearing this can make you hesitant to set boundaries, fearing you’ll provoke them. For instance, if they yell and claim you “made” them, you might feel responsible for their outburst. This creates a cycle where you change your behavior to keep the peace. Recognizing that their reactions are their choice is crucial. You’re not responsible for their emotions.
- Remind yourself that others’ reactions are their responsibility.
- Document incidents to clarify who’s accountable for what.
- Set firm boundaries to protect your emotional space.
6. “I’m Only Trying to Help”
Gaslighters use this label to hide controlling or abusive actions behind a guise of kindness. By claiming their behavior as “help,” they entitle you to be critical of them. The tactic confuses you since it violates your sense that their “help” is harmful. It’s intended to prevent you from criticizing their manipulation. This hidden control destroys your ability to believe your instincts.
The confusing impact is due to the conflict between your feelings and their words. They might label your choices as “advice” and speak to you about what is wrong with them, and you wonder if you are right. This leaves you guilty for not consenting to their viewpoint. Understanding that true help acknowledges your limitations matters. Your discomfort is a sign, not a shortcoming.
Swinging the focus towards how what they do and say impacts you, instead of what they do and say, makes it possible to see through that veil. A good counselor or friend can help you figure out helpful behavior and control. Assertiveness, like asserting your own needs, can deconstruct their control. Paying attention to your intuition will allow you to regain your independence.
7. “That Never Happened”
This is a denial of fact, challenging your memories. Gaslighters use it to distort history, confusing you and making you rely on what they are telling you. By informing you that something that you recall did not occur, they erode your faith in your perception. This tactic keeps you trapped in their reality. It’s one of the most unsettling methods of gaslighting.
The constant denial of things like a promise or an insult will question your sanity. You will spend hours replaying episodes, wondering if you dreamed them up. This is their goal: to leave you in a state of confusion and dependency. Writing down events in a journal can anchor your reality. Your memory is more real than their lie.
- Record important encounters to prove your memory.
- Report experiences to a trusted friend for verification.
- Trust your instincts when you know something occurred.
8. “You’re Blowing This Out of Proportion”
This statement minimizes your emotions, portraying your reactions as excessive. Gaslighters employ this to belittle your concerns, implying that you’re reacting in an exaggerated manner to their actions. This puts attention on their actions onto your alleged irrationality, seeding self-doubt. You may feel goofy for having normal emotions. This strategy reinforces their control by eroding your confidence.
Repeating this back to you can make you second-guess speaking out, afraid that you’re being dramatic. For instance, if you call someone out on a hurtful comment, they may say that it’s no big deal, and you’ll wonder at your reaction. This invalidation chips away at your self-esteem over time. Identifying this as manipulation makes you trust your feelings. You feel whatever they’re framing it as.
Putting your answers into writing can help you identify the pattern of dismissal. Talking with a supportive friend can ensure that your fears make sense. Setting boundaries, like not responding when your feelings are dismissed, empowers standing up. Your emotional truth deserves respect.
9. “You Need Me”
By telling you, “You need me,” gaslighters create dependency, leaving you dependent on them. This statement, usually disguised as concern, tells you that you can’t even do things on your own, locking you up in your mind. It manipulates feelings of inadequacy, asserting control. You may question whether you can do it by yourself. This is a way to keep you bound to them.
The manipulation is in making their existence seem vital to your well-being. They may, for instance, explain that you’d fail without them, stripping you of your autonomy. This can create the illusion that it is impossible to leave, even if the relationship is unhealthy. Seeing that this is a power play restores your autonomy. You are capable enough to be independent.
- Create a list of your strengths to maintain you in the track of your independence.
- Ask friends to provide your independence with support.
- Practice minor exercises in autonomy and build confidence.
10. “Your Friends Are Idiots”
This is a statement that alienates you by going at your support network, e.g., relatives or friends. The gaslighters belittle others in your life in an attempt to shatter your trust in them so that you are left with them as your “reliable” link. This alienates you from external approval, hence leaving you more dependent on them. It is a calculated step to put you under their control in relationships. Isolation increases their control of you.
By belittling your loved ones, they fill you with uncertainty regarding others’ intentions, so you are left isolated. For instance, they may ridicule your friend’s advice as if only they know you. This can leave you reluctant to obtain other people’s points of view. Keeping relationships with people you can trust is central to resisting the maneuver. Your support network is your lifeblood.
Keeping in touch with loved ones and friends keeps you sane. Their input can counteract the gaslighter’s narrative, reminding you of your worth. Defending yourself, such as defending your loved ones, can set boundaries on their control. Your loved ones outside the gaslighter are what keep you sane.
11. “If You Really Loved Me, You Would…”
This sentence takes advantage of your love, compelling you into submission. Gaslighters use it to condition your love for submission, making you feel guilty in case you fail. It turns your feelings into a control tool, concealing the typical relationship dynamics. You might think that you are selfish when you’re concentrating on your needs. This tactic uses your empathy to keep you submissive.
Hearing this makes one ask oneself if one is devoted, even when their expectations are unrealistic. For instance, they might want you to show your love by giving up on your boundaries, and this puts you in a dilemma. This guilt trap keeps one thinking about how to please them. Knowing that love does not require submissiveness is highly critical. Good relationships appreciate your autonomy.
- Establish healthy boundaries to protect your values and needs.
- Keep reminding yourself that love does not require sacrifice of self.
- Seek out therapy to work through anger and rebuild healthy relationships.
12. “You Make Me Furious”
By saying “You make me furious,” gaslighters shift the blame for their emotional responses to you and deflect responsibility. This puts you in charge of their anger, making you feel guilty and afraid. You might stay quiet so that you won’t annoy them, walking on eggshells. That diminishes your self-expression. Their emotions are their own responsibility, not yours.
This sentence holds you in the state of holding onto their feelings instead of confronting their behavior. For example, if they yell and tell you it’s your fault, you can find yourself wanting to apologize. This manipulation prevents you from setting boundaries. Knowing you don’t get to choose how they act makes you powerful. Your voice must be heard.
Standing up for your truth breaks this cycle. Writing down things that happen is one way to clarify who’s in the wrong, ensuring that their anger is not your fault. A therapist will help you dismantle this blame-shifting and restore confidence. Setting boundaries, like not accepting blame, is the key to restoring your power.
13. “No One Else Would Ever Love You”
This callous statement belittles your value, suggesting you’re not worth loving except when the gaslighter is with you. It feeds underlying fear of abandonment so that you feel broken and need them. By undermining your confidence, they trap you in the relationship, fearing you’ll be lonely forever. This tactic alienates you emotionally. You are worthy of love, no matter what they say.
The emotional damage of this statement goes deep, evoking feelings of inadequacy. You might doubt your ability to maintain healthy relationships, staying with the gaslighter out of fear. That’s their goal: getting you to believe they’re your sole option. Having people around you who encourage and support you denies this lie. Your value isn’t determined by their words.
- Declare your value every day in the form of positive affirmations or journaling.
- Connect with loved ones to reinforce your sense of belonging.
- Seek therapy to heal from this damaging narrative.
14. “You’re Gaslighting Me!”
In a shrewd move, gaslighters playfully blame you of gaslighting in an effort to divert attention from their doings. This forceful act makes you defend yourself and question your own behavior, being guilty. It diverts the spotlight from their manipulation, causing chaos and confusion. You can expend energy protesting rather than acting to fight them. This is a deliberate act to catch you off guard.
This is a bewildering accusation since it is the same thing they’re doing. For example, when you accuse them of manipulating you, they can accuse you of manipulating them so that you start questioning. This diverts your attention from what they are doing. Take note that this is diversion, as psychologist Robin Stern puts it. Make sure to stay on what they’re doing and not what they’re accusing.
Reminding yourself of your reality grounds you against such a tactic. Keeping a journal or telling a trusted friend can make sense of things, validating your perspective. Setting limits, like refusing to engage in circular arguments, puts constraints on their power. Convincing yourself that your experience is paramount is the biggest step to breaking free from manipulation.
